Titanic: The Movie: The Game (title not final):
You play Leonardo DiCaprio (not his character), you’re on the Titanic and you’re looking around the ship for women. But you’re stuck in the grimy bottom decks and to get good tail, you’ll need to make your way to the top. To do this, you’ll have to win poker games and slapping contests, as well as dance.
The poker mechanics will be simple—three-card hands, highest sum wins (face cards will be removed from the deck for simplicity and realism, we assume the people on the grime decks were probably not very intelligent)—and the slapping contests will be twitch-based combat. Just one button for slap, one for block. The dancing will require the player to press one button to raise a knee up and down and another button to hit the knee with a hand. Optional control could allow player to whistle or yell random phrases like, “Yeeee-haw!” and “I wish I had money!”
Once your character makes enough cash, a scripted event will occur—the door to the stairwell will fall off its hinges and you’ll be able to move up to the main deck and being to mingle with the wealthy passengers. We’ll have some really great AI here. All the women (distinguishable by the oversized hats) will appropriately respond to your character’s interactions with them. For the player, the system will be fairly simple—you’ll approach a women and press the “interact” button, which will present you with three phrases: (1) How are you? (2) I am Leonardo. (3) Can we make love in the car I saw on a lower deck? (None of these phrases are final.) If the player chooses option three too quickly, the woman will walk away.
After several interactions, your character will fall in love and then a series of scripted events will occur: You will have intercourse with the woman (censored for E rating), you will pretend to fly on the edge of the ship, the ship will hit an iceberg. You’ll get separated from the woman and you’ll find a pistol on the main deck. Iceberg creatures will begin to attack you from all sides and you’ll have to fend them off with your weapon while making your way through the crowds of socialites, all of whom are running to the edge of the ship and jumping off. Once you’ve destroyed all the iceberg creatures and their boss (the Queen), you’ll find your woman and then the ship will sink.
● This is from my vast archive of terrible fiction. It was originally written on June 10, 2006.
I wrote this in 2004:
When he told her about it she didn’t get it. It was like she didn’t hear what he said. She was just staring at his hair and chewing her gum with her mouth open. He kept doing that thing with his face that people do when they think you heard them and expect an answer but haven’t gotten it. You know, when they widen their eyes and move their head forward in little quick movements. As if they’re saying, “Well? Well? Well?” But she didn’t notice that. She couldn’t take her eyes off his hair.
It wasn’t that he had particularly interesting hair, it’s just that she had left her daily contacts in overnight by accident and they dried onto her eyeballs. Because of this her eyes were especially dry and they felt like those round Cheetos that come in that large metal can. She was trying to move them to look at something else but they wouldn’t budge. Granted, this didn’t interfere specifically with her ability to hear, but she was so focused on attempting to get her dry eyeballs to move that she was effectively ignoring everything else going on around her.
He finally got tired of waiting and slapped her in the forehead with the heel of his hand. Her head whipped back and her left eye popped out of its socket. He wasn’t expecting this so he panicked. He told her he was sorry and that he would call an ambulance for her but she refused. She could finally see something other than his hair and even though it was amazingly painful she wanted to enjoy her new view for a while. Besides, no one ever got anywhere by calling ambulances.
When you get to the top of the second path, there will be a sign. It’s very worn down, so you’re not going to be able to make it out, but trust me, it says to go left. You’ll walk about a mile through thin bushes and it should be pretty level. You might want to take the opportunity to stop and rest on this part of the path, because once you hit the next marker (a tree with three trunks, one of which is blue), it’s going to be all uphill and treacherous from then on.
After you pass the tri-trunk tree and make it up the next three hills, over the rocks and mudslides, you’ll find yourself on a mesa about 500 feet in diameter. On the north-most point of the mesa you should find what you’re looking for. It’s buried 43 inches under the soil and it’s in a lead-lined case. You’ll need to open it right then and there, since the case is too heavy to bring back down with you, especially considering that once you remove the item, the mesa will shift just enough to cause the angles of incline on the slopes you’re going to have to traverse down to increase by about 20 degrees. Believe me when I tell you that the first hill on the way down is going to be hell. Make sure you bring lots of gauze for any wounds you incur.
If you do manage to make it back alive (passing the pit for the second time is going to be particularly challenging because your arms will surely be tired), head to the center of the nearest village, the one just before Los Sapos. Find the hut with the red roof and the three squares carved into the door and ask for Malen. She will take you to her father who can help you build the device—for a fee, of course.
I told Einhardt I didn’t think you could make it. Prove me wrong.
