Transcript of Today's Apple iPhone 4 Press Event

• Apple:The iPhone 4 has the same problems all other phones have when you hold them, we just made the mistake of pointing out that our antenna design was better than anyone else's, even though we knew when you held it it would turn to shit. Oops. Basically, we shouldn't have to be any better than anyone else, because all phones suck.
• Users:But we're dropping calls.
• Apple:Yeah, but only one more than normal. So shut up.
• Users:Right, but when I'm talking to a client and--
• Apple:And look, we'll give you a Bumper for free. They're normally $29, but we're gonna make you schmucks happy and give you all a free one. That will solve this problem.
• Users:But you can't use the dock with a Bumper, and you can't use most of the car accessories with a Bumper, and the Bumper makes it hard to put the phone into your pocket which means you're more likely to drop it, and--
• Apple:Free Bumpers. Shut up.
• Users:Okay, what about the proximity sensor?
• Apple:Yeah, yeah. Stop complaining about that. We're working on a fix for that and we'll release it at some point.
• Users:So in the mean time, we'll drop calls without a Bumper and we'll put people on mute and speakerphone accidentally with the proximity sensor issues.
• Apple:Yes. The iPhone 4 is the best smartphone on the market.
• Users:But what about--
• Apple:Did you see the fucking charts? Shut up.