One of the Worst Things Ever Happened to Shawn Last Night
- Shawn Morrison: Figured you'd appreciate this. Just woke up because... A COCKROACH WAS CRAWLING ON MY LEG IN MY BED!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY LEG!!!!!!!!! IN MY BED!!!!!!!!!
- Me: NO!!!! NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOOOO NONONONO NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOO!!!!!nnnnnnnjwuwi
- Me: NO NIOOOOOOOOOO NOONOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NONONO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO DEAR GOD NO NO NO YOU HAVE TO NOOOOOO MOVE IMMEDIATELY NOOOOOO NOOO JESUS CRYING NOOOOOOO
- Me: Dude, seriously, I almost just vomited. And I'm going to have trouble sleeping for weeks. Dear god. Was it at least tiny?? And are you burning your bead right now???
- Shawn Morrison: YES TO ALL OF IT TRUE SO BAD CRYING SARA CHOPPING OFF MY LEG FOR SAFETY!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Shawn Morrison: We're both just sitting here taking turns gagging. NOT TINY. So far from being tiny. I want to leave the United States.
- Me: Oh my god. I am so fucking sorry. So fucking sorry. Oh my god.
- Me: How do you even deal with this? How do you sleep? How do you LIVE??
- Shawn Morrison: Exactly! We don't have answers to any of these questions. We are Googling "cockroach eggs maybe bed why? please no" currently. We might have to burn everything. EVERYTHING.
- Me: This is a dark day. A dark day for all mankind. Were you actually asleep? It woke you up?? And did you just immediately empty into your pants??
- Shawn Morrison: Had *just* fallen alseep. Felt something on my leg. Leapt out like a ninja and started yelling, "Get out of the bed!" like Jack Bauer. Killed it with a shoe but had to hit it 22 times. I don't know where we go from here.
- Me: Isn't it Fall? Aren't we supposed to not have to worry about roaches any more? And also, isn't this 2009? Aren't we supposed to never have to worry about them ON US OR IN OUR BEDS?? Thank god you weren't having sex when it happened. That kind of shit would break you up. From that point on any time you tried to have sex you'd have Vietnam-like flashbacks.
- Me: Granted, you'll never sleep again.
- Shawn Morrison: Yeah, I'm doing dishes now and Sara is waxing the floors. I don't think I'm even close to admitting we own a bed. What bed?
