This is Garrett Murray's Maniacal Rage

[Steve Jobs mentions the iPad will support the new HDR photos feature]

• Me: Why did he just say HDR photos on iPad?
• Me: There is no camera.
• Shawn Morrison: Unless they’re bumping the iPad today too. Obviously the next iPad will have a camera.
• Me: At least a front-facing one for Face Time. I would buy a new one for that.
• Shawn Morrison: I’ve been using my iPad a lot more lately. Sort of re-fell in love with it.
• Shawn Morrison: Did you watch that original iMac unveiling video that went around again recently?
• Shawn Morrison: Seeing Jobs refer to a 233 MHz machine as “crazy fast.” Then remembering that back then, that WAS crazy fast.
• Me: Yeah, it was awesome. He has the guy walk around the thing with a camera and it’s all lit up through the case. My favorite was the hockey puck mouse, which he says is the best mouse ever. And it’s clear, just from looking at it, that it’s terrible.
• Shawn Morrison: At the time it was nice *looking*. And was actually fairly comfortable to hold… it just always turned in your hand, which made it useless.

[New Shuffle is announced]

• Me: Oh good, the new Shuffle is cheaper. I can replace my sweat-ruined current iPod Shuffle.
• Shawn Morrison: You still use a Shuffle?
• Me: Yeah, for running.

[New Nano is announced]

• Me: Jesus, the Nano now definitely fits its name.
• Shawn Morrison: What asshole would buy a Shuffle!

[Steve Jobs is demoing new Nano]

• Me: That fucking thing is tiny!
• Me: Star Trek shit.
• Me: Seriously, I want to make it into a watch.
• Shawn Morrison: Someone will make a watch band case for it.
• Me: I might just buy it to have it. It’s so crazy.
• Shawn Morrison: I know. I immediately want one. They really push the envelope on these iPod updates.
• Me: Seriously. How much smaller could the Nano get?
• Me: Eventually they’ll just say, “Eat this pill. Music forever in your body!”
• Shawn Morrison: And the Touch will eventually be made out of a sheet of tissue paper.
• Me: The Shuffle literally cannot get smaller without it just being inside the Apple earbuds.

[iTunes’ new Ping social music network is revealed]

• Me: They should have done this 4 years ago. Now it feels like… well, I already use all these other services.
• Shawn Morrison: Though they may be able to gain traction just by placing it in iTunes.
• Me: True. Immediate adoption.
• Shawn Morrison: What’s odd is that ping is definitely music centric but it’s almost like a full-on Facebook thing.
• Me: What if when they showed Steve Jobs’ profile, in the “Music I Like” section is was just straight-up racist music from the 40s.
• Shawn Morrison: Huh, I would be surprised if it wasn’t.
• Me: UPGRADE RIGHT NOW I NEED TO USE PING WITH YOU WE NEED TO PING!!!!

[Live stream starts flickering]

• Me: Is your stream flickering?
• Shawn Morrison: Yep.
• Me: I love the idea that now that I have this stream, ANY SINGLE ISSUE WITH IT IS RAGE-INDUCING.

[New iTunes 10 icon shown]

• Me: I wish they hand’t made the icon blue. TOO MUCH BLUE IN MY DOCK.
• Shawn Morrison: Yeah but then you realize that it doesn’t matter at all in the world, you sip some booze and drown away all the real problems.
• Me: *cries so fucking hard*

[One More Thing, which Jobs then calls One More “Hobby”]

• Shawn Morrison: What if Jobs’ new hobby was fly fishing? And the entire rest of the keynote was a new fishing pole.
• Me: Just one that he bought, too. Not one that Apple makes or is selling.
• Shawn Morrison: He just says, “Listen, I’m Steve Jobs and at this point I can do whatever I want.”
• Me: I’m very much looking forward to when he loses his mind. It’s gonna be tons of fun.

[New Apple TV is announced and it’s very small]

• Shawn Morrison: Jobs: “It’s smaller and blacker, just like my women.”
• Me: “It doesn’t even do anything! We can make these things tiny!!”
• Shawn Morrison: If it’s free I’ll buy one.

[Jobs shows parts of Iron Man 2, which I haven’t seen yet]

• Me: SPOILERS COME ON!!

[Jobs shows parts of Glee’s season finale, which I haven’t seen yet]

• Me: SPOILERS COME ON!!!
• Shawn Morrison: Just not your day.
• Shawn Morrison: At the end of Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts dies of AIDS.
• Me: FUCK!!!!!

[Jobs is playing a slideshow of photos on the Apple TV]

• Me: I really wish Apple was legally obligated to admit they kill all their photo models after the shoots.