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Maniacal Rage

Here are my most recent posts:
∞ 13 May
23

#cocoa
#iphone
#dev
#nerdery

adamjspooner asks: "Garrett, do you have any advice or nuggets of wisdom for aspiring iPhone/iPad app developers? Or things you wished you'd known from the beginning? Also, nuggets of wisdom sounds kinda gross. Sorry about that."

I don’t have much advice or wisdom in general, but I can boil down my suggestions for budding iPhone/iPad app developers into a few words: Read some books, come up with a killer (and unique) idea, bust your ass and then grow a thick skin.

If you’re new to Objective-C and Cocoa or even just to iPhone OS development, read some books first (I recommend Beginning iPhone 3 Development as well as Craig Hockenberry’s new iPhone App Development: The Missing Manual on the iPhone OS side—look for Hillegass and other standards for the pure-Cocoa side) and then start playing with the SDK. Run through tutorials, play around. Once you get used to the framework and language, it’s actually quite pleasant to work with.

Then set out to design and develop a unique and awesome app. This part, unfortunately, I can’t give you much advice for. It’s all your problem.

Once you release the app, get used to dealing with idiots, the App Store process, and other such nonsense. It’s fun. Hopefully you’ll make a little money as well. But I can’t guarantee that.

→ Ask me a question

∞ 13 May
36

#creepy
#80s
#tv

Creepy Host of “Just Like Mom” Fergie Olver Kisses Little Girls

I know it was the 80s and all, but I can’t believe no one stopped this from happening. When a contestant on your show calls you a “dirty old man” off camera and THEY AIR IT, you know things are bad. Pretty sure the pitch meeting for this show went something like this:

  • Fergie Olver: “Hey, I’ve got a perfect idea for a show, guys. I’ll host the show and we’ll have lots of little girls on it. And I’ll kind of just keep kissing them.”
  • Producer: “Wait, what’s the point of the show?”
  • Fergie Olver: “They answer questions.”
  • Producer: “Yeah, but that other part—about kissing little girls?”
  • Fergie Olver: “All the contestants will be little girls.”
  • Producer: “Right…”
  • Fergie Olver: “So then I kiss them and ask them questions.”
  • Producer: “Wait, I still don’t understand why you’re kissing them.”
  • Fergie Olver: “What do you mean?”
  • Producer: “Why are you kissing these little girls?”
  • Fergie Olver: “Because they’re the contestants.”
  • Producer: “I know they’re the contes—seriously, you’re talking about kissing underage girls on television? Don’t you think that’s gonna be an issue?”
  • Fergie Olver: “I don’t understand the question.”
  • Producer: “Fine, whatever, do the show.”
∞ 10 May
53

#radio
#dumbass

I left the shower radio on. 10 hours ago. For the most part, throughout the day, I didn’t hear it because the bathroom door was closed and I was listening to music in my office on the other side of the apartment.

Until just now, when I walked out of the office to go grab some food. It was completely dark in the apartment and I could hear the faintest sounds of depressing/eerie 20s-era music in the distance. I hadn’t quite put together where the sound was coming from as I approached the living room in the dark. Suddenly, the wind pulled the bathroom door open just as the eerie music crescendoed.

Anyway, that’s why I’m showering again. Because of the poo. In my pants.

∞ 6 May
64

#app store
#children
#annoying

Revenge Reviews

Another day, another tale of woe regarding the App Store and the high percentage of brainless customers who inhabit it and do ridiculous things. One of my least favorite behaviors is what I call “revenge reviews.” This is where a customer either doesn’t like the app after they buy it, or they buy it accidentally, and write an angry email to support. In most cases, these emails are either rude or contain false claims, or both. When they don’t get the response they’re looking for, they post an inaccurate 1-star review of the app in the Store.

The most recent revenge review was a whole lot of fun. I received the following email:

I would like a refund for the Ego app I bought as it not not have the option to add my Facebook account like it said it does in the description.

Obviously, the first thing you’ll notice is that there’s a claim that is simply untrue in the email. Oh well. My response:

In fact, the description does NOT say anything about Facebook. Sorry, Apple doesn’t allow me to give refunds.

A few days went by without a response, and then I saw the review (from the same name) appear in the App Store (typos as posted):

1 Star: EXTREMELY BAD!!!
This App is COMPLETELY USELESS! When you email the staff they are extremely rude and as unhelpful as the App is! It does nothing at all and it’s a complete waste of £1.19—I would even downlaod this if it was free!

Really let down.

Awesome! A revenge review! Person bought application, didn’t like it, emailed support saying I had lied about what the app did (which I didn’t) and then got pissed that I couldn’t give a refund. Well, I don’t know about you, but the next logical step would be to post a bullshit review!

Now, I probably should have just let this go, but it’s amazing how good these people are at getting under my skin. So when I saw the ridiculous review I replied to the original email again:

Just wanted to say that I appreciated your bogus 1-star review on the App Store. What an awesomely childish way to react to two simple facts:

1. You misread the description of my application.
2. It is NOT POSSIBLE for me to grant returns. Apple does not allow it.

You’ll note from the other hundreds of reviews of my application that I’m known for being great with customer support, and since there have been over 100 5-star reviews, I would say it’s patently ridiculous to call this application useless.

I wish you were more mature, so that your frustration over buying an app you shouldn’t have wouldn’t have forced you to act like a child and post a completely inaccurate review to the store.

People brought up a great point the last time I complained about App Store customers—they’re all children. Not metaphorically, but literally. Most of these customers are kids with iPod Touches. So of course they act like children. Further evidence was the response I received this morning:

Don’t you dare try and intimidate me with these threats you brainless little man. You are a bad seller, that’s all there is to it. And this will be announced on my fathers radio show and website.

Hey guys, I’m gonna be on the radio!

∞ 5 May
9

#cameras
#nikon
#canon

llllostandffffound asks: "I notice you recently sold your Nikon D90 and some Nikon lenses. Did you find another camera that you liked better, or did you give up photography for good?"

I moved to a Canon 5D Mark II. Ever since the Nikon D90 came out, I’ve been using my DSLR to shoot more video than photographs. While the D90 takes excellent video for a still camera, I needed to upgrade to the 5D’s higher quality for a variety of reasons. So I moved to a Canon SLR for the first time (I’ve owned, in the past, the Nikon D70, D80 and D90).

It’s gonna take me forever to get used to the control layout of a Canon DSLR. They’re WEIRD, man.

→ Ask me a question

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