Maniacal Rage

An Email From My Sister

My Dearest Brother,

I am writing to inform you that my life as a “free bird” will be coming to an end. I have recently discovered your astounding statistics, as illustrated by the overlapping circle flow chart on your website, and come to the shocking realization that I am a serial killer. I know what you may be thinking, “How can this be?” or “This is just simply not true!” or most probably, “She’s too ‘vanilla’ to go to prison.” And you are right about almost all of those things (except for the fact that I am relatively “gangster”).

Unfortunately, statistics never lie. I know this because I have a degree in Psychology. I spent four years studying correlation and causation and I know, without a shadow of doubt, that once data is entered into a graph, it is obviously irrefutable.

So, it is with great sadness that I inform you of the inevitable. Had I never seen that graph, there is a possibility I could have avoided “the clink”, but now, I just don’t see how that is possible. With thoughts of Greased Lightening and severed limbs on my mind, I leave you with my final words:

Sayonara, my dear brother. Sayonara.

Your loving, yet serial-killing sister,
Ashley

When the first iPhone came out, for many weeks afterward I was constantly asked on the subway, “Is that an iPhone?” by all sorts of people young and old. And then, eventually, they lowered the price and everyone bought one. I never got asked after that.

Now, with the new iPhone, I’m being asked again—but only by people with the first iPhone. So far, four people have asked me, “Is that the new iPhone?” but all of them are first-gen owners. Strangers don’t care. If they don’t have an iPhone, all iPhones look the same. But old iPhone owners immediately notice the black shiny back and start asking questions.